Greetings, friends! It's very possible that I may be writing this for the sole purpose of putting off my huge webpage project due tonight. Not to say this post isn't important. It's probably one of the most critical truths I'll ever state on here. But if it has the ability to pass time by before i actually need to start my project...well, that's just an added bonus.
I'm going to be honest. I haven't been myself lately. There's been a blockade in my spirit between me and God and for a while, I couldn't tell what it was from! It made me super frustrated because I couldn't read my Bible the same, or write out my prayers, and I had no heart for other people like I used to. I found myself becoming very selfish, easily annoyed/angry, and ultimately, taking my gaze off God.
But the more I thought about it, the more it became clear that I knew what the problem was all along. I just never wanted to admit it. I had this nagging feeling that I needed to speak at BASIC (our on-campus ministry). Unfortunately, I've been feeling this way since...summer. Gotta be honest, I hated this thought. There is nothing I would dislike more than speaking in front of a group of my peers. Plus, what would I even speak about?? I am in no position to teach. And it's way too scary to lay my life story out on the table for total strangers. AND I'm not that great of a communicator (which is ironic because I'm a comm major).
How could God ask me to do that? Why? What could I possibly have to say that's so important? So, dead set on not doing this, I told God that he couldn't use me for this. I did everything I could to ignore this feeling in hopes that it would go away. I ran from God. Literally, I ran on a treadmill at the rec center forever to get rid of this nagging, anxious feeling. And if I'm running, you know there's something wrong because those that know me know that I hate running. At least I'm super in shape now.
I'll do anything else God. Seriously, send me to work with kids or write a book; literally, anything else I'm down for! Why does your will have to be this? Why can't your will be for me to marry Tim Tebow?
Just kidding about that last one... Well, not really.
But there was a deeper underlining issue here that I'm slowly becoming aware of. God doesn't need me to speak at BASIC. He doesn't need me to do anything, really. He's an all powerful God who could have came down off the cross if He wanted to. Speaking wasn't the issue. It was my denial to surrender.
I want to control the outcomes of my life. Always. Even when driving. When going on long trips, I always like to drive because I have the power to stop the car to use the bathroom whenever I want (I have an abnormally small bladder. Don't make fun). I don't like the idea of God completely changing up my plans. I always thought I did, but it's becoming clear that I don't. I have no idea what to do with my life after college, let alone this summer. I have God's will in mind, but I keep trying to make my own plans. I know what I want, what I can handle, what I should do, and where I should go. How dare God try to change up my plans.
Man, I'm such an idiot sometimes. I was at church a couple of Sundays ago and, low and behold, Pastor John Fuller was talking about surrender. "You can't expect God to act a certain way" was the main idea of the sermon. One of his points was that God doesn't ask you to surrender parts of your life to Him, he wants all of it. You can't follow God and remain the same (a point from last Sunday's sermon). When Jesus called Matthew, he said "Come, follow me". and Matthew got up and followed Him.
Really think about this, guys! A lot of us sing songs at church about surrender. "Finally I surrender" "All for you and for your glory" "Take me, mold me, use me". At that moment we're thinking Yes, God, wherever you send me I will go. I will do whatever you want. You're plan is greater than my plan. But that's not true for a lot of us. We say His plans are greater but live as if ours are better. What are you still holding on to? What won't you let go?
For me, I told him, You can have my singleness, my school work, and my friendships but you can't have my future career or my anxiety and you can't take me out of my comfort zone. I have to know what's going to happen at all times and, unless the outcome seems beneficial to me, I'm not doing it. I will write about you, but I won't speak about you. I will praise you at church, but I won't risk my reputation at school. I will talk to Christians about you, but I don't want to be ridiculed in front of non Christians so don't even think about asking me to do that.
This surrender issue makes me sick. I'm not the same and will never grow closer to God until I do. He's not okay with having part of me. He wants all of me. And I know this now but I still don't want to. Why? Because it's scary! It's horrifying to give up control and put your life in the hands of someone you can't see. Surrender means everything. God may ask me to go across seas, He may tell me to sell all my clothes, He may tell me to pay for a strangers meal, He may tell me to talk to my classmates about Him, He may have me be single til I'm forty. Let' be honest...this isn't ideal at all!
This might kill me. But isn't that the point? To die to our selfish lives? This is going to break me and make me all sorts of uncomfortable. True surrender is not going to be easy at all. I'm going to cry. I'm going to be ridiculed. I'm going to be uncomfortable. I'm going to suffer.
But.
"For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future'". - Jeremiah 29:11
A surrendered life is way more beautiful than this messed up, control-freak life I've got going for me right now. I can't ignore that nagging feeling any longer. Let's be honest, you can only run from God for so long until you hit an dead end and have no choice but to turn around. You can't escape God. We're just going to have to get used to the fact that God wants to use us in big ways and the only way He can do that is if we surrender.
God may want to have me speak at BASIC someday. And if asked, I'll have no choice but to say yes. I know what I got to let go of. What about you?
