What I Learned at a Wedding

I attended a beautiful wedding this weekend. I was especially excited about this one because I got to do the make up for the bride (which is super nerve-racking by the way) and for a few of the bridesmaids. It was so fun to be in that atmosphere and celebrate the last moments of the bride's single life with her. Plus, it was the first wedding that a majority of my friends were attending so that made it all the more perfect. The lighting, the flowers, the dresses; they all combined to create an elegant and romantic ambiance in the room. You could feel the love between the bride and groom oozing out onto the friends and family that were there. They were perfect. It all was perfect. But yet, none of this was my favorite part of the day. In fact, it was not the room, or the love, or the sheer fact that I love weddings more than chocolate-caramel ice cream - which I am border-line obsessed with. The best part was seeing Christ as the center of the whole ceremony. They did something that I have never seen done. Right smack dab in the middle of the ceremony, about the time when vows are to be said, they stopped to worship God. We sang three worship songs that day. It was absolutely beautiful to see where their hearts were on their biggest day as a couple. They love each other, but they're love for each other is and always will be completely centered around God. One of the verses in particular struck a cord with me that day. 

"Oh, I'm running to your arms....I'm running to your arms....the riches of your love....will always be enough....nothing compares to your embrace.....light of the world....Forever Reign."

Truth is, this is our love song to God. Oh God, I'm running to YOUR arms, the riches of YOUR love is more than enough, NOTHING compares to YOUR embrace. How blessed we are that God created man and woman to be together so that we have someone to run to; to embrace. But guys, nothing compares to running to God. We put so much emphasis on finding our perfect match because we want to feel loved, like we belong to someone. We want to feel his arm around us and to feel comfort in his touch. We want to run to him to help us, guide us, lead us through this crazy life. But if he's the only one we're running to...we will never truly be satisfied. We won't have that security and peace that only comes from God. We will be restless wanderers, trying to fill that void in our hearts, the rest of our lives. 

"but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life." - John 4:14

Marriage is such a beautiful, complex, God-given gift. But we can't forget what it's all about. It's not just you and your husband. It's you and your husband becoming one in Christ. It was God's design to serve as an example of Christ and his love for the church. Marriage isn't about ourselves, it's about God and what we can do as a couple for his kingdom. Our marriages are to imitate Christ and the kind of person he was on Earth. Sacrificial. Loving. Serving. Genuine. Generous. We cannot lose sight of this truth.

"The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man." For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." - Genesis 2:18-24

"Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself." - Ephesians 5:22-23


This wedding put my heart in check. I'm going to love being married someday and having the love of my life standing by me until the end. It's going to be great standing up at that alter, speaking my vows to the one my I love, honor and respect the most. But our earthly love is nothing compared to God's love. Nothing, not even the most perfect husband in the world, should come before our first, true love - God.

I'm running to His arms, I'm running to His arms. The riches of His love will always be enough....

The Hypocritical Christian

Lecrae is boss. His songs always speak right to me. This song is called "Breathin to Death" and the lyrics are shown below. Take a read through then I'll tell you why it depicts me so perfectly.

"It's like I'm tired of life/Lord i'm wrong why I cant get right/ And when it's dark why I cant get light/ eh why it cant be light it's so heavy why my sin won't let me see the end/ come get me/ please come get me/ my thoughts my mind/ my ways all evil/ I'm sposed to be your people I'm sposed to see your sequal/ I said I'll never leave you/ But I'm so left i aint right Lord I'm sleeping with death/man, I am cheating with death/ am I deaf Its like I don't hear you/ I say that I'm a Christian but it's like I don't fear you/ I'm on a selfish island and i am no where near you/ God i really need you even tho I don't appear to/ I'm drinking out a broken cistern that could never hold water and I'm gonna get burned/ tho I try i never satisfy or quench this yearn/ I hear you calling but it's like a fight for me to just turn/Lord I deserve to burn

Help me Lord before there's no time left
I ain't living I'm just breathing to death (echo)
Your ways are perfect and they lead me to rest
Mine are evil and they lead me to death

I'm fellin' skitzophrenic / maybe I ain't saved cause i gotta get high just to block out all the pain/ seen death, seen hurt seen a whole lotta thangs/ instead of running from it I'm running away from change/ it's like I'm outside in the ice cold weather/the rains coming down and I keep getting wetter/ I know I'm getting sick and I could die any second/ but still I refuse to let your truths make me better/ I'd rather eat flies and maggots instead of bread/ and its killing me slow but i cant get it through my head/ you were stabbed you were murdered/ and for me is why you bled/ but I spit on your bloody face as If i never cared/ And Lord how dare i compare my pain/ your father turned his back/ and you were left to hang/ I don't know why you did it that I cant explain/ how can you love this sinner whose desecrated your name/Lord I deserve the flames\


I know I tell lies/ I know I do dirt/ Apart from you I'm nothing but you can give me worth/ I don't know if I know you/ But still I know I should/ I know the days are evil and only you are Good/ I've come to this conclusion I would like to change cause all the worlds money and fame cannot sustain/ I know that i should turn but thats the hardest thang/ cause do I really feel that havin' Jesus is my gain/ the world is so tempting/ Satan is a beast/ he hypnotizes my eyes to say the least/ But Jesus be my treasure to know you is live/ and I am here dying trying everything there is/ All I need here is you/ help me turn away from sin/ Lord give me grace to turn away and the fear not to give in/ I know that I'm not perfect but if I could rest in Him/ I know i don't deserve it but still I'll take your hand/Lord let me take your hand"

Yeah, hard to swallow stuff right there. 

My interpretation of the song is this: This is a guy who claims to love God and says he's a Christian. Yet he's trapped by his sin. He knows he doesn't have to be and he could be set free, but he feels likes he can't. He doubts his salvation and gives in to the lies of the world. He might have been saved, but he doesn't feel like it. he knows the answers, but he can't seem to get it soaked in. He is wrestling with the temptations of sin and the malicious lies of Satan. He knows he deserves death. All he wants is to be DONE and turn to the calling of God. He's twisted, pulled, and tossed around by the world and he just wants to be free from it all...

yet he can't. 

You guys, this is the hypocritical Christian. I'm the hypocritical Christian. 

Satan has done a heck of a job trying to distort my thoughts and get me to behave as the world behaves; think like the world thinks. I'm not afraid to admit my faults. I fail just like every other person out there. I know I love God but the world is all too appealing. A friend once asked me, "who do you fear? God or man?" and my answer, as shocking as it is coming from a Christian, was man. I care more about what all of you think about me than what God thinks. My flesh desires to go against God's commands. And I feel powerless to it.

"For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it" - Romans 7:19-20

I thought that my internal struggle was something that only I could see. It was an issue between me and God and that was it. It wasn't until recently that I realized it wasn't. 

I was having dinner with a friend of mine on campus the other night; a friend that I rarely get to see. We were having a good time and enjoyed catching up with each other. We got of the topic of why she didn't attend our Thursday night worship service on campus. She had a range of reasons why it wasn't for her, but the one that stood out to me the most was when she said something along the lines of "It just doesn't make sense to me to see these guys worshiping on Thursdays then I see them out at the bars that weekend. That's one of the reasons why I don't like going." Her comment made me feel really convicted because I have been that person.

I am that person.

I will act like a Christian at church, but then I'll go out and pretend like I've never had an encounter with God. I admit it, I'm prone to drinking and it's something I've been working on. To my friends, to the people who know me, I look like a real hypocrite. I feel bad for them because they either see two different sides of me, or I'm hiding a side from them. Either way, it's disgusting and wrong.  And not just to them, but to the non believing world to. If they see me at church, then see me at the bars, it looks bad. God save me from this tangled mess, because I am a failure to your name. 

I love God. But I also love vanity. I love money. I love fame. I care about my reputation, I let fear control my decisions and let anxiety guide my steps. I want the love of a man more than the love of God. I put God in the back burner while I try to manage my stressful life alone. I work my tail off for things that don't matter, but when it comes to someone's eternity, it seems I could care less. I love having fun, no matter what the cost and I push back the holy spirit so I can live my way. As if I really thought this was my life.  

I call out to God, expecting him to hear me, but how dare I even try? I'm such a sinful human being. I deserve the flames. I don't deserve the blessings he gives or the grace he shows. I don't deserve his favor on my life! How dare represent God like that? How dare I act so disrespectful to God to get the approval of others? How dare i claim to be a christian then continue to live as the world lives. 

"For once you were in darkness, but now you are in light. Live as children in the light" - Ephesians 5:8 

Live as children in the light. 

How dare I walk in darkness when I have been saved. When God brought me out of that darkness and into the light. Into a life free from guilt, shame, fear, anxiety, heartbreak, anger, lust, greed, pride and debauchery. 

Forgive me, my friends, for I have been a hypocritical Christian. But here's the truth in all of this:  God is working in my life and in my circumstances. He is changing my heart, sanctifying me, teaching me to surrender, showing me my idols, and convicting me of the wrong I've done. He wants to see me in Heaven with him someday. 

"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understands slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance" - 2 Peter 3:9

God loves me. Satan hates me. It's a constant battle for my heart. God has already won. No matter what I'm going through, I will come out of this strong.

Marriage is my Idol

"In the Bible, marriage is not the fulfillment of our dreams; it is a place where we learn". 

- John Ortberg, The Me I Want to Be

I'm going to get real honest here and say this: I have made marriage an idol. 

Sounds pretty pathetic right? I thought so too. Here's how it happened:

As you might have read in previous blogs, I've been holding out for God's timing and bringing me a man that so perfectly fits with me. A match. I was listening to a sermon once and he said it's interesting how God didn't create Eve from dust, but from Adam's rib. He took a part of him to create her, so when they came together, it was like they became one again. It was all apart of God's perfectly designed plan. They are one with each other and one with Christ. I may be wrong, but sometimes I like to believe that God does that same thing for us and our mate. Like a part of me came from him. And when we come back together, it'll feel like "home" - a sense of one-ness. We will be a perfect fit because our "ribs" will be joined back together. 

The idea of having a perfect match for me sounds all too intriguing. I would start to think about it constantly and wondering "where is my guy, God?" "When will I get married?" I would patiently wait because I was told since my elementary years that my guy was out there and he'd be coming soon. I wanted a man to love and be loved in return. The idea of being with that one person, your best friend, for the rest of your life sounded amazing! But what once started as a healthy wishful thought soon became an all consuming idol. 

Some days I would get frustrated and torn up over it because it wasn't fair. I thought I was ready and I would tell God that I could handle a relationship. All my life I had to watch my friends go in and out of relationships and I had nothing. I would always jokingly say "once the boy is gone, they alllll come back to Lottie".  Without fail, I was and still am the go-to girl after a failed relationship. It didn't help either that all my friends were getting married and I always had to go to the weddings without a plus one. When would it be my turn? I know all my fellow singles understand what I go through. 

I wanted to be married. I wanted to find my guy. It was part of my plan! I was supposed to go to high school, go to college, get married, get a fabulous job, and have a family. That's what I thought I needed to do; what I should do. Every one else was getting married so I felt like I should get married. Pretty soon, I would let my thoughts be consumed by my boy hunt. Everything I did, I did it to get the guy. I'm a comparative person, unfortunately, so I would examine others to see how they were getting the guy. Awesome Christian men seemed to like women with gentle spirits so I need to be more gentle. Awesome Christian men seemed to like women who were totally devoted to God, so I need to be totally devoted to God. 

It didn't consciously occur to me that I was doing this, but when I evaluated my relationship with God and wondered why it was so wishy-washy, I realized that I was trying to be a "better Christian" for the sake of getting that Christian man that I desired. Because of that, I based my relationship with God on moralistic and religious things - doing what Christians do because that's what people like....that's what God-fearing men like. 

It all makes sense now. 

I wasn't in my relationship with God out of love for Him, but for the love of men! I always knew I was a people-pleaser who needed the approval of everyone, but this took it to a whole new level. I was putting guys in front of God. I was putting human love in front of God's love. I wasn't really focusing on what God did for me. All I knew was that it was important to me to get married and feel loved, cared for, and treasured by a man. 

That's how it became an idol. God showed me that and broke me of that idol by allowing me to have strong feelings for an amazing Christian man who was the epitome of what I wanted to be married to. I had it bad for this guy. I wanted to just be in his presence - knowing he was in the room set me at ease. I couldn't imagine not being able to see him for a long period of time. I loved soaking in his wisdom and having amazing God-talks. He was wise, loved people, always happy, and one of the strongest people I knew. He had such a love for God that it was contagious. After talking to him, I would immediately want to go home and read my Bible. 

But then it dawned on me. Everything I loved about him was what I should love about God. God is the strongest, the wisest, the happiest person. He loves us more than we could ever imagine. I should want nothing more than to soak up all his wisdom and sit in his presence. He loves me more than anyone ever could. 

How dare I put marriage and men before God. How dare I take something that God graciously gave us to make us happy and put it before Him. I turned a good thing into a bad thing. How dare I want human love that will no doubt fail us when God will always be there and never fail! It was painful and hard for me to realize this. As much as my heart tried to fight me, it wasn't this guy that I wanted. It was God. As great as this guy was, he will never be as great as my God. How easily we lose sight of that. 

I lived as if getting married was the ultimate goal. Like everything I work and live for will lead to the moment where I walk down the isle. Marriage is not the happy ending. It is just a new chapter. Maybe this is why many women struggle so much with singleness. Maybe there are others out there who are just like me. 

So guys, I made this realization. I'm not going to better myself for the sake of men. I'm not going to try to fill that space in my heart reserved for God's love with a man's love. I'm not going to do good things because Christian men would like that. It's not about them - it's about God. For this reason, I am content.