Marriage is my Idol

"In the Bible, marriage is not the fulfillment of our dreams; it is a place where we learn". 

- John Ortberg, The Me I Want to Be

I'm going to get real honest here and say this: I have made marriage an idol. 

Sounds pretty pathetic right? I thought so too. Here's how it happened:

As you might have read in previous blogs, I've been holding out for God's timing and bringing me a man that so perfectly fits with me. A match. I was listening to a sermon once and he said it's interesting how God didn't create Eve from dust, but from Adam's rib. He took a part of him to create her, so when they came together, it was like they became one again. It was all apart of God's perfectly designed plan. They are one with each other and one with Christ. I may be wrong, but sometimes I like to believe that God does that same thing for us and our mate. Like a part of me came from him. And when we come back together, it'll feel like "home" - a sense of one-ness. We will be a perfect fit because our "ribs" will be joined back together. 

The idea of having a perfect match for me sounds all too intriguing. I would start to think about it constantly and wondering "where is my guy, God?" "When will I get married?" I would patiently wait because I was told since my elementary years that my guy was out there and he'd be coming soon. I wanted a man to love and be loved in return. The idea of being with that one person, your best friend, for the rest of your life sounded amazing! But what once started as a healthy wishful thought soon became an all consuming idol. 

Some days I would get frustrated and torn up over it because it wasn't fair. I thought I was ready and I would tell God that I could handle a relationship. All my life I had to watch my friends go in and out of relationships and I had nothing. I would always jokingly say "once the boy is gone, they alllll come back to Lottie".  Without fail, I was and still am the go-to girl after a failed relationship. It didn't help either that all my friends were getting married and I always had to go to the weddings without a plus one. When would it be my turn? I know all my fellow singles understand what I go through. 

I wanted to be married. I wanted to find my guy. It was part of my plan! I was supposed to go to high school, go to college, get married, get a fabulous job, and have a family. That's what I thought I needed to do; what I should do. Every one else was getting married so I felt like I should get married. Pretty soon, I would let my thoughts be consumed by my boy hunt. Everything I did, I did it to get the guy. I'm a comparative person, unfortunately, so I would examine others to see how they were getting the guy. Awesome Christian men seemed to like women with gentle spirits so I need to be more gentle. Awesome Christian men seemed to like women who were totally devoted to God, so I need to be totally devoted to God. 

It didn't consciously occur to me that I was doing this, but when I evaluated my relationship with God and wondered why it was so wishy-washy, I realized that I was trying to be a "better Christian" for the sake of getting that Christian man that I desired. Because of that, I based my relationship with God on moralistic and religious things - doing what Christians do because that's what people like....that's what God-fearing men like. 

It all makes sense now. 

I wasn't in my relationship with God out of love for Him, but for the love of men! I always knew I was a people-pleaser who needed the approval of everyone, but this took it to a whole new level. I was putting guys in front of God. I was putting human love in front of God's love. I wasn't really focusing on what God did for me. All I knew was that it was important to me to get married and feel loved, cared for, and treasured by a man. 

That's how it became an idol. God showed me that and broke me of that idol by allowing me to have strong feelings for an amazing Christian man who was the epitome of what I wanted to be married to. I had it bad for this guy. I wanted to just be in his presence - knowing he was in the room set me at ease. I couldn't imagine not being able to see him for a long period of time. I loved soaking in his wisdom and having amazing God-talks. He was wise, loved people, always happy, and one of the strongest people I knew. He had such a love for God that it was contagious. After talking to him, I would immediately want to go home and read my Bible. 

But then it dawned on me. Everything I loved about him was what I should love about God. God is the strongest, the wisest, the happiest person. He loves us more than we could ever imagine. I should want nothing more than to soak up all his wisdom and sit in his presence. He loves me more than anyone ever could. 

How dare I put marriage and men before God. How dare I take something that God graciously gave us to make us happy and put it before Him. I turned a good thing into a bad thing. How dare I want human love that will no doubt fail us when God will always be there and never fail! It was painful and hard for me to realize this. As much as my heart tried to fight me, it wasn't this guy that I wanted. It was God. As great as this guy was, he will never be as great as my God. How easily we lose sight of that. 

I lived as if getting married was the ultimate goal. Like everything I work and live for will lead to the moment where I walk down the isle. Marriage is not the happy ending. It is just a new chapter. Maybe this is why many women struggle so much with singleness. Maybe there are others out there who are just like me. 

So guys, I made this realization. I'm not going to better myself for the sake of men. I'm not going to try to fill that space in my heart reserved for God's love with a man's love. I'm not going to do good things because Christian men would like that. It's not about them - it's about God. For this reason, I am content.