I was in love with him and my summer fling when I was in 7th grade, and my first boyfriend in 8th grade, and the hot senior when I was a freshman, and the gorgeous bad boy when I was a junior, and apparently every other guy I've ever spoken to.
Ah, youth. Remember those days? I used to pray to God every night when I was in elementary/middle school asking for the "man of my dreams". I longed to be swept off my feet. But even more than that, I just wanted to feel loved. I always seemed to like a new guy every month or so. For once, I just wanted one of them to like me back.
Even back then I knew I was holding out for someone special someday. I broke up with my first boyfriend because I didn't think it was the guy God wanted me to end up with so I didn't want to waste my time. Literally, that was my reason! I knew God had a bigger, better plan...even in 8th grade.
I kept this singleness mentality on through high school. Never dated, but always on the prowl. I was on an endless search for "the one" and I would kick the guys to the curb if they didn't reach my standards. I would barely give them a chance. I guess you could call me a tease. I would test out the waters, but if they messed up or if I wasn't "feeling it"..adios! Put a fork in them, they're done.
I always told myself "college is when people get married anyways, so I don't even need to worry about it". My freshman year of college, I attended a Christian university where the motto was "ring by spring". I thought for sure that'd be me. And I was ready. Unfortunately, no guys seem to make the cut there either. By the end of my freshman year, I was getting frustrated. It seemed like every guy was going for my friends but not me. I felt like I wasn't good enough for them. I wasn't "pretty" enough, "Christian" enough, or "fun" enough. Obviously there had to be something wrong with me if I was repulsing guys. I mean, why else would I have been single for so long? Maybe it wasn't by choice that I was single..maybe I was un-dateable. I had a strong desire to get married and I was going to see to it that it happened, no matter what.
This feeling of not being good enough and striving to be perfect for my future husband was killing me inside and I didn't even realize it. My whole world has been rocked by this new found truth I've discovered while being here at UNI. I made marriage and men idols in my life. I cared more about what guys thought about me than what God thought about me. In my mind, marriage was the ultimate goal in life. I mean, I didn't directly believe that, but I lived as if I did. Everything I did was for my future husband. I would volunteer at church in hopes that a guy would see me doing that and be wow-ed at how good of a Christian I was. I would study the Bible and learn everything I could about being a Godly woman because that's the kind of woman Godly men want to marry. If I want to get married, I have to live up to the perfect "marryable" Christian standard. Man, it was exhausting. I was so busy "trying" that I wasn't truly living.
Here are some hard core truths I have learned:
Although marriage is a wonderful, God-given thing. It's not the ultimate goal. It doesn't say in the Bible "then God created a man perfect for the woman and they lived happily ever after". God is a jealous God. Why would He create someone that would steal your affections away from Him? So often, we live as if our lives would be so much better if we just had a spouse to live it with. What we need to realize is that God is essentially our best friend and our only source of fulfillment. No man on Earth will ever satisfy. Only God can fill that lonely void in your heart and He will be "with us until the end of the age" Matthew 28:20.
Love is a sacrificial choice
Ultimately, I believe God is concerned about your life after marriage more that your actual choice of spouse. Don't get me wrong, He cares about who you end up with, but very rarely does the Bible talk about choosing a mate. It talks about the roles men and women play in marriage. In Ephesians 5 it talks about wives submitting to their husbands and husbands loving their wives as Christ loved the church (a sacrificial love). This is something I've talked about before. It's important to remember that love is more than just those good feelings you get when you're with someone. It's about choosing to commit all your time, affection and energy to someone else and to lay down your life every day for that person. It's about caring more about that person than yourself.
God is my best friend
It's crazy how much my life has changed once I stopped living for man and started living for God. I asked myself 'If it was just me and God for the rest of my life, would I be okay with that?' Finally I'm able to say yes. I'm learning to be content with just me and God. Men will constantly fail us and let us down but God never will. God is our best friend. You can tell Him anything. He knows you inside and out. He cares more about you than anyone else will. He will hold your right hand and help you. He gives you strength, comfort, encouragement, and hope. If He's not the perfect man, I don't know who is! It took me a while to internalize this truth, but it's a truth that has forever changed the way I view my relationship with God. He's not someone I talk about like He isn't here in the room. He's with me at the gym, in class, when teachers piss me off, when I'm getting lunch with my family, when I'm sad and lonely, when I'm tempted to say something mean; He's literally always there. Which brings me to my next point...
I'm never truly alone
It's the worst feeling in the world to feel like no one cares about you. It hurts to feel like you've been abandoned. And it sucks when you see all your friends going on dates and hanging out with their boyfriends while you're stuck in your room watching reruns of Friends while eating chocolate you bought for yourself. This world can leave you lonely. But remember you are never truly alone. "I will not leave you without help as children without parents. I will come to you" John 14:18. He is always there and loves you more than you can imagine because, quite frankly, He is love!
God will use my singleness for His glory
I believe there's a reason why I'm single. Some people say I'm picky. Some people think I'm scared. Some people think I should give every guy a chance. Some people think I don't want to date. Some people think I over think it. But I believe God wants to use my situation for His glory because I'm just one person in the bigger story He's writing. I'm so thankful to be single. I've been able to do so much more as a single person than if I had a boyfriend. Paul writes about this in 1st Corinthians, saying "I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs - how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world, how he can please his wife, and his interests are divided" (7:32-33). It's true! Relationships are tough and time-consuming. It takes a lot of work to have a healthy relationship. Without this stress in my life, I'm able to focus more on God. Plus, I've had the privilege of helping other women who may be struggling with singleness. I can relate to them and it's been a blessing.
I've grown up a lot since that day in 2nd grade when I found my first crush. I've seen successful relationships, harmful relationships and everything in between. I've learned so much in the course of 20 years as a single woman and I wouldn't change anything. Even though I still have the desire to get married some day, I'm content with where I am. God is good, my friends. He wants to use you and your situation for his greater purpose. He loves you more than any man ever could. He's your best friend. :)
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