Lecrae is boss. His songs always speak right to me. This song is called "Breathin to Death" and the lyrics are shown below. Take a read through then I'll tell you why it depicts me so perfectly.
I ain't living I'm just breathing to death (echo)
Your ways are perfect and they lead me to rest
Mine are evil and they lead me to death
I'm fellin' skitzophrenic / maybe I ain't saved cause i gotta get high just to block out all the pain/ seen death, seen hurt seen a whole lotta thangs/ instead of running from it I'm running away from change/ it's like I'm outside in the ice cold weather/the rains coming down and I keep getting wetter/ I know I'm getting sick and I could die any second/ but still I refuse to let your truths make me better/ I'd rather eat flies and maggots instead of bread/ and its killing me slow but i cant get it through my head/ you were stabbed you were murdered/ and for me is why you bled/ but I spit on your bloody face as If i never cared/ And Lord how dare i compare my pain/ your father turned his back/ and you were left to hang/ I don't know why you did it that I cant explain/ how can you love this sinner whose desecrated your name/Lord I deserve the flames\
I know I tell lies/ I know I do dirt/ Apart from you I'm nothing but you can give me worth/ I don't know if I know you/ But still I know I should/ I know the days are evil and only you are Good/ I've come to this conclusion I would like to change cause all the worlds money and fame cannot sustain/ I know that i should turn but thats the hardest thang/ cause do I really feel that havin' Jesus is my gain/ the world is so tempting/ Satan is a beast/ he hypnotizes my eyes to say the least/ But Jesus be my treasure to know you is live/ and I am here dying trying everything there is/ All I need here is you/ help me turn away from sin/ Lord give me grace to turn away and the fear not to give in/ I know that I'm not perfect but if I could rest in Him/ I know i don't deserve it but still I'll take your hand/Lord let me take your hand"
Yeah, hard to swallow stuff right there.
My interpretation of the song is this: This is a guy who claims to love God and says he's a Christian. Yet he's trapped by his sin. He knows he doesn't have to be and he could be set free, but he feels likes he can't. He doubts his salvation and gives in to the lies of the world. He might have been saved, but he doesn't feel like it. he knows the answers, but he can't seem to get it soaked in. He is wrestling with the temptations of sin and the malicious lies of Satan. He knows he deserves death. All he wants is to be DONE and turn to the calling of God. He's twisted, pulled, and tossed around by the world and he just wants to be free from it all...
yet he can't.
You guys, this is the hypocritical Christian. I'm the hypocritical Christian.
Satan has done a heck of a job trying to distort my thoughts and get me to behave as the world behaves; think like the world thinks. I'm not afraid to admit my faults. I fail just like every other person out there. I know I love God but the world is all too appealing. A friend once asked me, "who do you fear? God or man?" and my answer, as shocking as it is coming from a Christian, was man. I care more about what all of you think about me than what God thinks. My flesh desires to go against God's commands. And I feel powerless to it.
"For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it" - Romans 7:19-20
I thought that my internal struggle was something that only I could see. It was an issue between me and God and that was it. It wasn't until recently that I realized it wasn't.
I was having dinner with a friend of mine on campus the other night; a friend that I rarely get to see. We were having a good time and enjoyed catching up with each other. We got of the topic of why she didn't attend our Thursday night worship service on campus. She had a range of reasons why it wasn't for her, but the one that stood out to me the most was when she said something along the lines of "It just doesn't make sense to me to see these guys worshiping on Thursdays then I see them out at the bars that weekend. That's one of the reasons why I don't like going." Her comment made me feel really convicted because I have been that person.
I am that person.
I will act like a Christian at church, but then I'll go out and pretend like I've never had an encounter with God. I admit it, I'm prone to drinking and it's something I've been working on. To my friends, to the people who know me, I look like a real hypocrite. I feel bad for them because they either see two different sides of me, or I'm hiding a side from them. Either way, it's disgusting and wrong. And not just to them, but to the non believing world to. If they see me at church, then see me at the bars, it looks bad. God save me from this tangled mess, because I am a failure to your name.
I love God. But I also love vanity. I love money. I love fame. I care about my reputation, I let fear control my decisions and let anxiety guide my steps. I want the love of a man more than the love of God. I put God in the back burner while I try to manage my stressful life alone. I work my tail off for things that don't matter, but when it comes to someone's eternity, it seems I could care less. I love having fun, no matter what the cost and I push back the holy spirit so I can live my way. As if I really thought this was my life.
I call out to God, expecting him to hear me, but how dare I even try? I'm such a sinful human being. I deserve the flames. I don't deserve the blessings he gives or the grace he shows. I don't deserve his favor on my life! How dare represent God like that? How dare I act so disrespectful to God to get the approval of others? How dare i claim to be a christian then continue to live as the world lives.
"For once you were in darkness, but now you are in light. Live as children in the light" - Ephesians 5:8
Live as children in the light.
How dare I walk in darkness when I have been saved. When God brought me out of that darkness and into the light. Into a life free from guilt, shame, fear, anxiety, heartbreak, anger, lust, greed, pride and debauchery.
Forgive me, my friends, for I have been a hypocritical Christian. But here's the truth in all of this: God is working in my life and in my circumstances. He is changing my heart, sanctifying me, teaching me to surrender, showing me my idols, and convicting me of the wrong I've done. He wants to see me in Heaven with him someday.
"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understands slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance" - 2 Peter 3:9
God loves me. Satan hates me. It's a constant battle for my heart. God has already won. No matter what I'm going through, I will come out of this strong.
Gosh Lottie, this made me cry :) Your blog is such an encouragement to me!
ReplyDelete"Children of the Light" - LeCrae
ReplyDelete"Battle" - Chris August
You don't even know how much the Holy Spirit speaks through your honesty and heartfelt words and longings!! He is doing a great work in you! :)