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More Than Just A Good Story

“If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. Remember what I told you: ‘A servant is not greater than his master.' If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also." John 15:18-20. 

Last night I watched "The Passion of the Christ" with a couple of my friends. It was Easter so what better time to watch it? By the way, if you've never seen the movie, I recommend you watch it. There's something about visually seeing what Jesus did for us that makes it sink in a little bit more. There's a scene in the movie that really caught my attention and made me feel super convicted. Jesus was washing his disciples feet and told them "if the world hates you, remember that it hated me first. Also, remember what I told you: 'A servant is not great than his master.' If they persecute me, they will persecute you also." Then it cut back to a scene where he was completely covered in his own blood, being spit on, mocked, and beat up. He was pushed to the ground like a rag doll. His face was distorted to the point of being unrecognizable. 

Holy cow.

That actually happened. Like...legit. And the horrors of what really happened are ten times more intense than what they showed in the movie. I was blown away more than I ever was before. I've seen it before but for some reason it was harder this time. It was horrible to watch . In fact, I couldn't even watch half of it because I was shutting my eyes. I don't like movies where people die. And this was like thee ultimate death. Needless to say, I don't handle it very well. 

Words can't even describe what I felt watching it. And the whole time He never fought it. He was silent. He let it happened because he loved us enough to endure it. He was so full of compassion. My gosh, people were falsely accusing Him of using devils to cast out devils. And he just stood there. When Pilate said "Say something. I have the power to execute you or free you" and Jesus said "you have no power over me except what is given you from above". (I'm not sure if that is ever stated in the Bible or just used for the movie, so don't quote me on that). But it shows His character. Even on the cross, after they drove huge nails into his hands and feet, He had compassion on the criminal next to Him and said "Today you will be with me in Paradise". WHAT?! I would have said "Screw you, you're the guilty one!" When they called Him a blasphemer, he did nothing. Inside, I was screaming "No, you're not! Tell them your not! perform a miracle! Do something!" On the cross, he said "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do". Are you kidding me?! Those jerks are killing you! And even when they mocked Him and said to come down off that cross, He stayed. He had all the power in the world to come down, but He stayed. 

Wow. I don't care who you are. If you love Jesus or hate Jesus, there's no denying that anybody who reacts like that to public hatred and cruelty upon facing their death is someone to be admired. 

I can't handle how amazing He is. I'm literally caught up in this, so much so that I can't even type to express how I feel. I want so badly for you all to let it soak in and realize what He truly did! What He did is so unheard of. It's the most love you could ever ever show. He suffered thee worst torture and death in history. Yet He never reacted out of anger, told them what's up, or tried to get out of it. Believe me, He could. 

This isn't just a good story! When will we stop treating it as such? I know it happened over 2000 years ago but it's just as much alive today as it was then. Imagine if you were living in Israel just a year after it happened and you were passing the story down to your kids. "I remember last year when there was this really great guy and He was crucified. It was the worst thing I've ever seen. I honestly don't know what He did wrong, but they must have thought it was pretty bad to kill Him like that." I mean, seriously, we remember 9-11 like it was yesterday. Citizens of that time probably remembered it like it was yesterday, too. Imagine a breaking news story popping up on your screen. "Man brutally murdered at 3pm today. Police brutality is under investigation. Crime is still unknown". This is completely and utterly real! It was horrible! It was tragic! And yet it was the greatest thing to ever happen to us because this means we are saved from this hell hole! 

I pray for my friends who don't love Jesus, whether they don't know Him or they chose not to. I'm tired of being embarrassed by my religion and afraid to tell the story."A servant is not greater than His master. If they persecuted me, they will persecute you". As in, if they brutality murder Him, we should expect a lot worse to happen to us. I'm not saying we're going to die on a cross, but I am saying that life is about to get real uncomfortable for a lot of us. People are going to hate us. Our freedom to worship God may someday be taken away. Standing up for Him may mean public ridicule and embarrassment or even death. I just have this feeling that things are about to get real bad around here. It scares me but it gives me a sense of urgency. People need to know this story. They need Jesus to be saved. 

After seeing what He endured for us, suddenly my little problems don't seem as bad anymore. Ah, man, I gotta wake up for class. I have a headache. I don't have enough money to go out. I'm tired and don't feel like being productive. 

Wow, we are really pathetic. 

Father, forgive us, for we do not know what we do. Constantly remind us of what you did out of love for us. We spit in your face and yet you still look on us with compassion. Give us the strength to share this awesome story with others. Give us a sense of urgency to remember that we don't have all the time in the world. You've already saved us, you already won. I pray that we believe it. 

Why We Celebrate Easter (no, it's not for chocolate bunnies).

"Now you are free from your slavery to sin, and you have become slaves to righteous living." - Romans 6:18

There are plenty of things to be slave to in this world. Drunkeness, lust, greed, fear...the list goes on and on. Think none of these things control you? Think about it this way.

If you can't have it, you crave it. You're addicted and you don't even realize it. The feeling you get when you satisfy your craving makes you high. You fall into the temptation all to easily. But you don't even bother fighting it because you believe it's impossible to beat. Why fight when you know you're going to fall into temptation again? It has a hold on you and is slowly stealing the life from you. You can't live without it. You can't even fathom. There's no way to overcome it. You love it. You hate how much you love it, but it's undeniable. You know there's something wrong with what you're doing but you don't want to stop. It keeps you up at night with it's constant nagging to satisfy the craving. It's not a matter of "if" you will. Now it's when, where and how.

I've been there. As a friend bluntly pointed out to me, I was a slave. In light of this, I've been pondering Romans 6:18 lately. I don't have to be a slave to sin anymore. Jesus saved me from the bondage I put myself in.

When Jesus died, He took sin with Him. He made it possible for me to be free from what should kill me. He had me in mind when He died. He knew that in 2012, I would need saving. And if that were the only reason, He still would have done it. That blows my mind. His death brings us life. We don't have to be a slave to our addictions. He gives us power to overcome because He's already overcome. I just have to believe it. Have you ever thought about it that way?

Some people think that religion is old fashioned. Something that our grandparents believe in. But it's so much more than just going to church on Sunday and saying a prayer every once in a while. It's a relationship and He wants to be your best friend. He is here. Right now. Sitting right next to you as you read this. He loves you. He longs for companionship with you. He wants you to experience a life that is soo much greater than the one you're living now. 

There's no to-do list. There's no step-by-step instruction manual. There's nothing you can do to deserve it. All you have to do is believe that God really did send His Son to save you from the bondages of sin. It's nothing you did. There's nothing you can do. "What if I go to church every Sunday?" No. "I'm generally a good person.." No. Stop. Just stop it. It's not about you! Let's be honest. We suck! You may look good in comparison to others but when you compare yourself to the awesomeness of God, you suck! Pride keeps me from realizing this sometimes. I always think "Well, I'm not that bad. I could be doing a lot worse things!" But I am honestly a messed up, idolizing, horrible human being who is just as bad as the people who spit on Jesus and whipped Him.

He died. And yes, it did actually happen. Without His death, there would be no resurrection. No new life. "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10.

It's hard to understand why He would do it. It's hard to fully grasp that it actually happened. But sometimes you gotta stop questioning and just start believing. That's all it takes. "Whosoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life." - John 3:16.

That's it. There's nothing more I can say. He lived a perfect life. Died a horrible death. And rose again. All to save us, mere mortal sinners, from the bondages of sin. And one day we will be in Heaven with Him forever. If you can believe that, you're golden.

Time to Let Go

Greetings, friends! It's very possible that I may be writing this for the sole purpose of putting off my huge webpage project due tonight. Not to say this post isn't important. It's probably one of the most critical truths I'll ever state on here. But if it has the ability to pass time by before i actually need to start my project...well, that's just an added bonus.

I'm going to be honest. I haven't been myself lately. There's been a blockade in my spirit between me and God and for a while, I couldn't tell what it was from! It made me super frustrated because I couldn't read my Bible the same, or write out my prayers, and I had no heart for other people like I used to. I found myself becoming very selfish, easily annoyed/angry, and ultimately, taking my gaze off God.

But the more I thought about it, the more it became clear that I knew what the problem was all along. I just never wanted to admit it. I had this nagging feeling that I needed to speak at BASIC (our on-campus ministry). Unfortunately, I've been feeling this way since...summer. Gotta be honest, I hated this thought. There is nothing I would dislike more than speaking in front of a group of my peers. Plus, what would I even speak about?? I am in no position to teach. And it's way too scary to lay my life story out on the table for total strangers. AND I'm not that great of a communicator (which is ironic because I'm a comm major).

How could God ask me to do that? Why? What could I possibly have to say that's so important? So, dead set on not doing this, I told God that he couldn't use me for this. I did everything I could to ignore this feeling in hopes that it would go away. I ran from God. Literally, I ran on a treadmill at the rec center forever to get rid of this nagging, anxious feeling. And if I'm running, you know there's something wrong because those that know me know that I hate running. At least I'm super in shape now.

I'll do anything else God. Seriously, send me to work with kids or write a book; literally, anything else I'm down for! Why does your will have to be this?  Why can't your will be for me to marry Tim Tebow? 
Just kidding about that last one... Well, not really.

But there was a deeper underlining issue here that I'm slowly becoming aware of. God doesn't need me to speak at BASIC. He doesn't need me to do anything, really. He's an all powerful God who could have came down off the cross if He wanted to. Speaking wasn't the issue. It was my denial to surrender.

I want to control the outcomes of my life. Always. Even when driving. When going on long trips, I always like to drive because I have the power to stop the car to use the bathroom whenever I want (I have an abnormally  small bladder. Don't make fun). I don't like the idea of God completely changing up my plans. I always thought I did, but it's becoming clear that I don't. I have no idea what to do with my life after college, let alone this summer. I have God's will in mind, but I keep trying to make my own plans. I know what I want, what I can handle, what I should do, and where I should go. How dare God try to change up my plans. 


Man, I'm such an idiot sometimes. I was at church a couple of Sundays ago and, low and behold, Pastor John Fuller was talking about surrender. "You can't expect God to act a certain way" was the main idea of the sermon. One of his points was that God doesn't ask you to surrender parts of your life to Him, he wants all of it. You can't follow God and remain the same (a point from last Sunday's sermon). When Jesus called Matthew, he said "Come, follow me". and Matthew got up and followed Him.

Really think about this, guys! A lot of us sing songs at church about surrender. "Finally I surrender" "All for you and for your glory" "Take me, mold me, use me". At that moment we're thinking Yes, God, wherever you send me I will go. I will do whatever you want. You're plan is greater than my plan. But that's not true for a lot of us. We say His plans are greater but live as if ours are better. What are you still holding on to? What won't you let go?


For me, I told him, You can have my singleness, my school work, and my friendships but you can't have my future career or my anxiety and you can't take me out of my comfort zone. I have to know what's going to happen at all times and, unless the outcome seems beneficial to me, I'm not doing it. I will write about you, but I won't speak about you. I will praise you at church, but I won't risk my reputation at school. I will talk to Christians about you, but I don't want to be ridiculed in front of non Christians so don't even think about asking me to do that. 


This surrender issue makes me sick. I'm not the same and will never grow closer to God until I do. He's not okay with having part of me. He wants all of me. And I know this now but I still don't want to. Why? Because it's scary! It's horrifying to give up control and put your life in the hands of someone you can't see. Surrender means everything. God may ask me to go across seas, He may tell me to sell all my clothes, He may tell me to pay for a strangers meal, He may tell me to talk to my classmates about Him, He may have me be single til I'm forty. Let' be honest...this isn't ideal at all!

This might kill me. But isn't that the point? To die to our selfish lives? This is going to break me and make me all sorts of uncomfortable. True surrender is not going to be easy at all. I'm going to cry. I'm going to be ridiculed. I'm going to be uncomfortable. I'm going to suffer.

But.

"For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future'". - Jeremiah 29:11


 A surrendered life is way more beautiful than this messed up, control-freak life I've got going for me right now. I can't ignore that nagging feeling any longer. Let's be honest, you can only run from God for so long until you hit an dead end and have no choice but to turn around. You can't escape God. We're just going to have to get used to the fact that God wants to use us in big ways and the only way He can do that is if we surrender.

God may want to have me speak at BASIC someday. And if asked, I'll have no choice but to say yes. I know what I got to let go of. What about you?

Soak in the Strawberry Crepe

Have you ever been eating a delicious meal and five minutes later you look down shocked to see it's gone and you're like "woah, when did I finish my meal?!" Maybe that's only happened to me. I'm still going to tell you this story anyways.

Earlier tonight I was eating at Village Inn after a long, hard day of school (I was on campus from 10:30-8pm). Obviously, I'm starving because all I've had to eat was a southern chicken wrap that was surprisingly good for on-campus food, but there wasn't much of it. So I got myself the strawberry crepe combo and guys, it was soooo good! The bacon was crispy and seasoned to perfection. The hash browns were light and tasty and they were browned just right. And don't even get me started on the crepes. The mixture of cream cheese and strawberry wrapped inside the little golden crepes was so great and it sent my taste buds dancing. I imagine the angels will be serving this meal in Heaven someday.

I was eating like it was my last meal before a long fast. I wasn't even thinking about it. I was shoving food into my mouth as fast as I could. I wanted all the flavor I could possibly get and I wanted it right now. I ate the food as if I thought it would disappear if I didn't eat it fast enough. It was so good and I didn't want it to end.

Then I looked down. And it was over.

Over already?! No! I was just getting started! It seemed unreal that all that food could be gone so fast. For a second I thought maybe I didn't eat the food. But the food baby in my stomach reminded me otherwise. It was good. I know it was good. But I felt like I didn't truly savor the experience. I didn't slow down to enjoy what was happening. It was so good but I didn't allow myself time to enjoy it. Before I knew it, it was over and all that was left was the memory of how amazing it was. But I couldn't even remember because I didn't take the time. I wished I would have savored each bite just a little bit longer and appreciated how good the food really was.

Then the thought occurred to me. How often does that happen to us in real life? Life is good, my friends. But truth is, we miss out on its goodness. Often times, we get so busy with our daily routines that we don't slow down and take time to really enjoy life. Think about all the activities you're involved in and everything you have going on during this time in your life. Do you ever step back and just examine life? I find myself doing that more often now days.

I remember senior night of football my senior year of high school. There was so much going on; the cheerleaders were shouting "what's that you say?!", the crowd was cheering intensely, the boys were on the field playing with every ounce of strength they had for their last game, the band was playing the school song, and the drum line was rocking out with crowd. My brain was overheated with all the visual and audible stimuli in that stadium. It was one of the greatest nights of my life. And I had to step back. I stopped everything I was doing to just...stand there. Look at the crowd. Look at the smiles on everyone's face. Hear the excitement; the stomping of feet, the clapping of hands. I wanted to soak it all in. Why? Because it was the only time I would ever have an experience like that. I wanted to truly focus on how amazing that night was. I took a mental snapshot of the night with a note attached to it saying 'don't forget this night because it'll be one of your best high school memories". And it is to this day.

How sad it is that we get so involved with stuff and don't truly enjoy it. Instead, we get stressed out by it. College sucks at times and classes can be a real drag. But when will you ever have this opportunity again? Never again will you get to live in real college dorms with your best friend as a roommate and people you know within walking distance. My friend Allison is pretty good at reminding me why college is so cool. We went to Starbucks one day and she said to me "We are doing homework with our Starbucks coffees, in sweatpants, on a Tuesday night, while skipping our night classes. This is college. I feel like I'm in college". In that moment, even though she was loaded with hours of homework, she stepped back and appreciated the moment for what it was. An experience she'll never get back.

I urge you guys, next time you feel stressed, down, or overloaded with stuff. Take a step back and enjoy the moment you're in right now. I guarantee you'll feel uplifted. God's got you where He wants you right now and is with you in every moment of the day. Stepping back to appreciate the life you have is like saying thank you to God for giving you this life. Take a moment to appreciate the roommates you have, the sport your involved in, the house/dorm you live in, the job you have, the classes you're taking, the events you've gone to, the family you're blessed with, and the car you have. You only get one chance to perform that opera, to go on that random adventure, to play in that big game, and sing in that show.

Soak up the moment. Form the memory. Because before you know it, it'll be gone. Just like a strawberry crepe.

"People can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in their toil. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment? To the person who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness..." Ecclesiastes 2:24-26

What Being Single Has Taught Me

When I was younger, I used to be obsessed with guys. And I mean obsessed. 2nd grade was when I had my first crush and boy, did I crush hard. He was the cutest boy I have ever laid my eyes on and he was popular. When we exchanged school pictures, I made sure I got a hold of one of his and I would kiss it every night before I went to bed. I realize there's a fine line between cute and creepy and I definitely crossed it. But I couldn't help it! For all I knew, I was in love. 

I was in love with him and my summer fling when I was in 7th grade, and my first boyfriend in 8th grade, and the hot senior when I was a freshman, and the gorgeous bad boy when I was a junior, and apparently every other guy I've ever spoken to. 

Ah, youth. Remember those days? I used to pray to God every night when I was in elementary/middle school asking for the "man of my dreams". I longed to be swept off my feet. But even more than that, I just wanted to feel loved. I always seemed to like a new guy every month or so. For once, I just wanted one of them to like me back.

Even back then I knew I was holding out for someone special someday. I broke up with my first boyfriend because I didn't think it was the guy God wanted me to end up with so I didn't want to waste my time. Literally, that was my reason! I knew God had a bigger, better plan...even in 8th grade. 

I kept this singleness mentality on through high school. Never dated, but always on the prowl. I was on an endless search for "the one" and I would kick the guys to the curb if they didn't reach my standards. I would barely give them a chance. I guess you could call me a tease. I would test out the waters, but if they messed up or if I wasn't "feeling it"..adios! Put a fork in them, they're done. 

I always told myself "college is when people get married anyways, so I don't even need to worry about it". My freshman year of college, I attended a Christian university where the motto was "ring by spring". I thought for sure  that'd be me. And I was ready. Unfortunately, no guys seem to make the cut there either. By the end of my freshman year, I was getting frustrated. It seemed like every guy was going for my friends but not me. I felt like I wasn't good enough for them. I wasn't "pretty" enough, "Christian" enough, or "fun" enough. Obviously there had to be something wrong with me if I was repulsing guys. I mean, why else would I have been single for so long? Maybe it wasn't by choice that I was single..maybe I was un-dateable. I had a strong desire to get married and I was going to see to it that it happened, no matter what. 

This feeling of not being good enough and striving to be perfect for my future husband was killing me inside and I didn't even realize it. My whole world has been rocked by this new found truth I've discovered while being here at UNI. I made marriage and men idols in my life. I cared more about what guys thought about me than what God thought about me. In my mind, marriage was the ultimate goal in life. I mean, I didn't directly believe that, but I lived as if I did. Everything I did was for my future husband. I would volunteer at church in hopes that a guy would see me doing that and be wow-ed at how good of a Christian I was. I would study the Bible and learn everything I could about being a Godly woman because that's the kind of woman Godly men want to marry. If I want to get married, I have to live up to the perfect "marryable" Christian standard. Man, it was exhausting. I was so busy "trying" that I wasn't truly living. 

Here are some hard core truths I have learned:

Although marriage is a wonderful, God-given thing. It's not the ultimate goal. It doesn't say in the Bible "then God created a man perfect for the woman and they lived happily ever after". God is a jealous God. Why would He create someone that would steal your affections away from Him? So often, we live as if our lives would be so much better if we just had a spouse to live it with. What we need to realize is that God is essentially our best friend and our only source of fulfillment. No man on Earth will ever satisfy. Only God can fill that lonely void in your heart and He will be "with us until the end of the age" Matthew 28:20. 

Love is a sacrificial choice

Ultimately, I believe God is concerned about your life after marriage more that your actual choice of spouse. Don't get me wrong, He cares about who you end up with, but very rarely does the Bible talk about choosing a mate. It talks about the roles men and women play in marriage. In Ephesians 5 it talks about wives submitting to their husbands and husbands loving their wives as Christ loved the church (a sacrificial love). This is something I've talked about before. It's important to remember that love is more than just those good feelings you get when you're with someone. It's about choosing to commit all your time, affection and energy to someone else and to lay down your life every day for that person. It's about caring more about that person than yourself. 

God is my best friend

It's crazy how much my life has changed once I stopped living for man and started living for God. I asked myself 'If it was just me and God for the rest of my life, would I be okay with that?' Finally I'm able to say yes. I'm learning to be content with just me and God. Men will constantly fail us and let us down but God never will. God is our best friend. You can tell Him anything. He knows you inside and out. He cares more about you than anyone else will. He will hold your right hand and help you. He gives you strength, comfort, encouragement, and hope. If He's not the perfect man, I don't know who is! It took me a while to internalize this truth, but it's a truth that has forever changed the way I view my relationship with God. He's not someone I talk about like He isn't here in the room. He's with me at the gym, in class, when teachers piss me off, when I'm getting lunch with my family, when I'm sad and lonely, when I'm tempted to say something mean; He's literally always there. Which brings me to my next point...

I'm never truly alone

It's the worst feeling in the world to feel like no one cares about you. It hurts to feel like you've been abandoned. And it sucks when you see all your friends going on dates and hanging out with their boyfriends while you're stuck in your room watching reruns of Friends while eating chocolate you bought for yourself. This world can leave you lonely. But remember you are never truly alone. "I will not leave you without help as children without parents. I will come to you" John 14:18. He is always there and loves you more than you can imagine because, quite frankly, He is love!

God will use my singleness for His glory

I believe there's a reason why I'm single. Some people say I'm picky. Some people think I'm scared. Some people think I should give every guy a chance. Some people think I don't want to date. Some people think I over think it. But I believe God wants to use my situation for His glory because I'm just one person in the bigger story He's writing. I'm so thankful to be single. I've been able to do so much more as a single person than if I had a boyfriend. Paul writes about this in 1st Corinthians, saying "I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs - how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world, how he can please his wife, and his interests are divided" (7:32-33). It's true! Relationships are tough and time-consuming. It takes a lot of work to have a healthy relationship. Without this stress in my life, I'm able to focus more on God. Plus, I've had the privilege of helping other women who may be struggling with singleness. I can relate to them and it's been a blessing. 

I've grown up a lot since that day in 2nd grade when I found my first crush. I've seen successful relationships, harmful relationships and everything in between. I've learned so much in the course of 20 years as a single woman and I wouldn't change anything. Even though I still have the desire to get married some day, I'm content with where I am. God is good, my friends. He wants to use you and your situation for his greater purpose. He loves you more than any man ever could. He's your best friend. :)

Meaningless Toil to Meaningful Life

So I'm sitting in my journalism class listening to my professor rant and rave about all the great things she's done the past couple days as a reporter for our local newspaper. As she usually does, she spent about 45 minutes of the class period talking about her accomplishments, why she is amazing, and why we should take more initiative and generally be more like her. I'm only half-way listening at this point because, let's be honest, unless you're going to actually teach me something, I could care less. What you do does not impress me and if in fact you were as amazing as you make yourself out to be, then you would't be writing for a local newspaper and you'd be working for CNN by now. But then she did something that caught my attention. She raised her hand to the girl a couple seats down from me and said with a cocky smirk "Somebody high five me! Somebody praise me because I'm amazing! You all need to learn from me and be like me".

Um.. what?

Did that seriously just happen? At this point I am beyond frustrated. This was the moment that I realized how much I hate journalism. Which is ironic...because it's my minor. My teacher single-handily made me hate journalism in .2 seconds. This was hard to swallow for me because now I'm at a point where I don't know what else to do with my life. If I hate journalism (and even my communication major at times), then the life I originally planned for myself is now thrown off course and I need to find a new track. Don't get me wrong, this mid-college crisis was a long time coming, but her comment was the breaking point. I don't ever want to be like my professor. She is one of the thee most self-centered, self-absorbed, prideful people I have ever be taught by in my life. But the sad thing is, I don't think she even realizes it. She doesn't know any better. Her world revolves around journalism. She eats, sleeps, and breathes news. She thinks every aspiring reporter should be as committed to the job as she is because in her mind, that's all life is about. At least that's the vibe I get from her.

My feelings of frustration toward this professor quickly turned to sadness. Does she not know there's more to life than writing a story about two murdered babies? What's the point? What does it matter? You write a sensational story...then what? It goes into an archive and gets forgotten about. When you are 60 and retired, looking back on your life, what are you going to remember? "No children, no fun trips, no lasting memories...but boy that story I wrote back in 2012 sure was great".

I don't ever want to be like that. This experience with my professor made me realize something crucial.

Life is meaningless.

Like a friend pointed out to me, that statement sounds like something you hear from a depressed person. I don't mean this in a "my life is worthless, I want to die" way...It's more like a "there's more to life than meaningless toil".

I struggle to find meaning in my daily tasks anymore. Nothing really matters. Granted, there are things you need to do in order to survive in America (go to college, get a job) and they are good things. But ultimately, these things do not matter in the grand scheme of things. This new realization has changed the way I view the rest of my life. I always always thought I'd write for a magazine or PR/Advertising company someday, but I can't imagine doing that for the rest of my life anymore. I don't feel comfortable promoting vanity and products to people when there are more important things in life that I should be talking about instead! Nothing in this world will last and nothing of this world can satisfy.

“Meaningless! Meaningless!”
says the Teacher.
“Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless.” - Ecclesiastes 1:2

Hurray! Just when I thought I was the only one, God brings me to Ecclesiastes. King Solomon had similar thoughts on this topic and his way of thinking is exactly like mine (amazing how God works). He talks about how he tried to find meaning in the pleasures of this life. He did everything he thought would make him happy and accomplished more than any other man in Jerusalem. He had thee life. Yet he wasn't satisfied. He couldn't be. 

"I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
I refused my heart no pleasure.
My heart took delight in all my labor,
and this was the reward for all my toil.
Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
nothing was gained under the sun." - Ecclesiastes 2:10-11

Like me, he was frustrated by this new found wisdom on the meaning of life because he simply could not be satisfied by anything. 

"So I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me. All of it is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.  I hated all the things I had toiled for under the sun, because I must leave them to the one who comes after me. And who knows whether that person will be wise or foolish? Yet they will have control over all the fruit of my toil into which I have poured my effort and skill under the sun. This too is meaningless. So my heart began to despair over all my toilsome labor under the sun. For a person may labor with wisdom, knowledge and skill, and then they must leave all they own to another who has not toiled for it. This too is meaningless and a great misfortune. What do people get for all the toil and anxious striving with which they labor under the sun? All their days their work is grief and pain; even at night their minds do not rest. This too is meaningless." Ecclesiastes 2:17-23

Now here's the part that got me the most and it's been the kicker that has rocked my world the past couple of weeks. 

"A person can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in their own toil. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment? To the person who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind." Ecclesiastes 2:24-26

Everything I do, if it's not with God in mind, is meaningless. Truth is, we spend so much of our life focusing on our grades, stressing over relationships, trying to find a spouse, getting a decent job; we forget that someday these things, although they are good things, are not going to matter in the end. They are not the ultimate goal in life. There's so much more! We are here on Earth to make His name known. To think you are here for any other reason would be deceiving yourself. Like Solomon said, this world won't satisfy us without God.  If I didn't have God, I would be restlessly working to the bone trying to make a life for myself and find satisfaction and happiness in something. But in the end I would ultimately be disappointed. 

With this new realization instilled in my heart, I want to do something that actually matters for the rest of my life. I want to do things that brings glory to God because honestly that's all that matters. It's funny how God can change your plans. I'm not surprised either. 

"Therefore, do not conform to the behaviors and customs of this world. Instead transform yourself by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do. And you will know how good, and pleasing and perfect his will really is" - Romans 12:2. 

I knew there was a reason this has been my life verse. God is changing the way I think. He's been changing my thought process for a long time now. And I'm finally realizing what God wants me to do and it's not journalism. It's not communications. It's not anything like I previously thought. 

God, go ahead and change my plans. Your ways are better than my ways. If Your will really is good, pleasing, and perfect...then I'm all in. Change my plans. 

Take Hold of His Hand

One of my most vivid memories from my college years so far happened during my sophomore year and it is a memory that is forever etched into my mind. 

I had just transferred to the University of Northern Iowa and, let me tell you, I was not doing well at all. Not only did I hate my first semester and sunk into a pit of depression every once in a while, but I was also very sick. For those of you that don't know, I have Crohn's disease (and if you're curious what that is, I think it's better for you to Google it to find out. It's not the most pleasant thing to talk about over a blog post). My whole first semester I had something wrong with me, from not being able to bend my elbows to having arthritis pain throughout my whole body like an 80 year old woman. It was not good. One night, I was having a terrible flare up that caused me to feel very sick. Unfortunately, we were having friends over that night and I did not want to deal with the embarrassment of getting sick in front of them or having to tell them what was going on with me. I was suffering silently throughout the night because I did not want people to know. I didn't want to ruin all the fun everyone was having and it was just too embarrassing for me to admit that I wasn't feeling good. When we got to our apartment, I went straight to my room and started to panic. It was all I could do not to cry. I was so frustrated that I was sick all the time and I felt like it was ruining my life. I couldn't take it anymore. And now I was stuck in my room with no options. I couldn't go out there and face my friends but I didn't want to leave my room. I felt horrible and alone. 

Then, my best friend since birth (literally) knocked on my door. She came in looking for pillows for people to sit on, but she immediately noticed that something was wrong with me. She asked me what was going on and I finally admitted it to her. I told her how I was feeling sick and was embarrassed by it. I told her I didn't think I could make it through the night. My sickness and my fear was crippling me. I covered my face with my sweatshirt as I started to cry. My best friend took me by the shoulders and said "look at me". At first I resisted but she persistently insisted that I look her in the eye. And what she said, I will never forget. 

"Lottie, you do not need to worry about anything. I will take care of everything, okay? Don't worry about it. I will help you and everything is going to be just fine". 

She went on with a game plan on how we could make it through the night, including code words if I was about to get sick and how to get rid of everyone if I couldn't take it anymore. After that, we prayed and went out to face my fear. Together.  

I cannot tell you how thankful I was for my best friend at that moment (and still am thankful for her!) I immediately felt comforted when she said she would help me. There was nothing like it. I was at my wits end and it was as if she took the burden for me. That memory will always hold a special place in my heart because I always know I can count on my best friend to help me no matter what. When I can't do it anymore, she's right there to help me along. Thank God for such a great blessing! 

I hope and pray that everyone has a friend like that. Among the Biblical truths that come out of this story, there's one truth that sticks out the most and is my reason for writing this blog. I hope it can sink into your heart as much as it has sunk into mine. 

"For I am the Lord your God who holds your right hand and who says to you 'Do not be afraid. I will help you'". 

Take a second to meditate on that verse. Really think about what it's saying. God, a powerful, mighty, amazing God, cares enough about you to take hold of your right hand. There's something comforting about someone holding your hand and I know everyone has a story of when that hand-hold immediately set you at ease. I remember when I was in 5th grade and was first diagnosed with Crohn's. It was either my second or third Remicade infusion and I was having a horrible reaction to the medication. I had the chills, felt nauseated, and was literally shaking. I will never forget how my mom grabbed hold of my hand and prayed like her life depended on it. Even though I was struggling, it made me feel better to know she was there to go through it with me. 

We all have those moments where  you were comforted by a hand hold. It's a moment that gives you strength and helps you to know that everything is going to be okay. That's why this verse makes God feel so real and present to me when I read it. God, my father, is holding my hand. When I'm struggling, He's there. When I'm lonely, He's there. When I am at the end of my rope and feel like I can't get through it...He is there holding my hand. Wow, God is so amazing!

You guys, I wish you could get as excited about this truth as I am right now. He is there, by your side, through whatever challenge you might be going through. He actually cares enough to help! Then He goes on to say "do not be afraid, I will help you". He will help you! And if anyone can understand your situation and do something about it, it's Him! I thought having my best friend help me was more than amazing. Imagine how mind-blown I am knowing that God will help me! 

I can't tell you how comforting that verse is to me. I am a very anxious and fearful person (hey, I'm working on it) so there have been many times that I would panic and feel like I literally can't get through the task before me. Then I repeat that verse in my head and feel a sense of peace. 

Truth is, we don't have to go through anything alone. He is always there. He will never leave you. He may ask you to do something that you feel is beyond your capability. You can either give in to Satan's voice telling you that you can't, or you can grab hold of God's hand and face the challenge courageously, knowing that He will help you. Satan may be throwing punch after punch at you, trying to knock you down. You can either fall limp to the ground and admit defeat, or you can let God take you by the hand, lift you off the ground and help walk you through the fiery trial. He's already been through it all. Jesus knows pain - He suffered more than we can imagine. He was mocked, spit on, beaten, and crowned with thorns. When they whipped Him, He got 39 lashes and by Roman law, 40 lashes was the amount used to kill a man. If anyone understands suffering, it's Him. Our suffering cannot even compare to His, and yet He wants to help us. How amazing it is that He cares enough to help us with what we're facing, too! 

If you take away anything with this post, remember this: He is always there to help you. Believe that He can. Believe that he is as strong as He says He is. Believe Him when he tells you not to be afraid because he's got you! He knows what's coming and he knows the outcome. It's no surprise to Him at all. So if he says you can do it, you really can. He'll never give you more than you can handle and He'll never lead you to something that you won't come out of stronger. 

Take hold of his hand and do not be afraid, because the God of the universe will help you. 

Time to Right Some Wrongs..

I've been reading over some old entries I have written and some of them have really been eating at me. There have been a couple posts that I felt were spot on, but I am now realizing that I am wrong. For this reason, I feel I need to apologize to my readers.

In "God Hates Religion", I talked about how much God hated religion and how we shouldn't be trying to live by a set of rules, but by faith in God alone. I still believe that a relationship with God is much more essential than simply living the life of a religious person. It's one thing to go through the motions, but it's a completely other thing to truly pursue God and pursue a relationship with him. Religion, if simply moralistic living, is not what God wants. However, God does love the church. In fact he died for the church (his people). And he came to fulfill the law.

"Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them." - Matthew 5:17

And I forgot to mention that God does give us a set of guidelines to live by. But they are to help us and protect us and further sanctify us. 

“If you walk in my statutes and observe my commandments and do them, then I will give you your rains in their season, and the land shall yield its increase, and the trees of the field shall yield their fruit." - Leviticus 19:23-25

"If you love me, you will obey what I command" - John 14:15

When we love God and truly seek to please, honor and be sanctified, then we will want to follow those commands. Because we know it's for our own good and He loves us. 

--------

Now for my most recent post, "To the Christian Men". I do feel now that I was wrong. I still feel that we should all be respectful to our brothers and sisters. But I believe I may have been misleading to the guys that they should start pursuing more in-depth guy-girl friendships. Men, you're only job is to lead your wife and to treat them as precious and rubies and gems. It never said to do that for all women. It's not fair of me to ask you to step up to a certain standard of living that isn't necessarily Biblical. For that I am sorry. 

In all honesty, my heart was not in the right place in writing either of these posts. I have noticed that of all my posts, those two had the most bitter undertones. I did not write with words of encouragement or conviction like I do in my usual blog posts. I let my own opinions and personal experiences get in the way of what was true. For "God Hates Religion", I was not educated enough to write something like that. I'm not a theologian by any means. Nor do I know what God "loves" or "hates". How dare I claim to know the mind of God. And in "To The Christian Men" - I was speaking from anger and not out of love. It was geared by hurt and I wasn't encouraging. I am sorry for being misleading. I am sorry for presenting false information. It pains me to ever loose credibility with my writing in this way. My goal has always been to speak the truth as I know it from God. I do this for Him. And for me to selfishly make claims and call them "truths" is just wrong. I asked God to forgive me, but I need to repent to you, my readers. I am deeply sorry and I hope that you all will forgive me. Even though I am human and will fail at times, I will do my best to never let this happen again.

Also, thank you for reading my blogs and for the kind words you have sent me. I love hearing how they have helped you! That is all God's doing. I'm just happy to be the messenger. I will continue to write blogs out of love for you all. I know I've made a couple mistakes, but there's so much good that has been done that I can't let these mistakes stop me. Therefore, I will keep writing with the wisdom only God gives :) 

My grandma Theresa, before she passed away last weekend, told me something that I will never forget. Her words are etched in my mind forever. For some reason, her words reaffirmed my calling and maybe that's why they are so special to me. "Your blogs are really good, Lottie. I read them all the time and you talk about some deep stuff. You keep writing, okay?"

I will, Grandma. I will. 

Love you and miss you. I'm still writing and always will. I hope you can read these from Heaven :)  

To the Christian Men

Can I be brutally honest for a second? Because there's a truth that's been laid on my heart that I feel needs to be said. It may seem harsh. It may be controversial in a sense. But I feel there's no denying this truth if I see it happening to me personally as well as to other women I know.

I am disappointed and let down by the male community. Let me rephrase that. I am let down by the Christian men; the men who are supposed to be leaders in the community, worthy of respect, and modeling their lives after Jesus. 

I was recently in the hospital for a routine procedure. Not a huge deal, but with my health the way it was, I was nervous and needed prayer for strength. I sent out a mass text to a few of my close friends that I felt could be prayer warriors for me. My girl friends all replied saying they would be praying for me and even checked up with me afterwards to make sure everything went okay (thank God for such great friends!). However, I was disappointed to hear nothing from the guys I sent it to - men that I thought for sure could be prayer warriors for me. Venting about this experience, I sent this text to a friend of mine and she felt it was a powerful observation that men need to hear:

"Btw, some guy I only met once in class asked me how my surgery went. HE is treating me better than the Christian guys are. And yet the Christian guys always wonder why nice guys finish last.... Well, start treating your sisters better, you men of God! That's your duty! The non Christian men are outshining you!"

Hm. Interesting. A somewhat random stranger showed more compassion and genuine care than my own brothers.

Here's the truth, men. Girls need guy friends, too. We need men in our lives who can encourage us, pray for us, and show us what men of God look like. Suzanne Hadley Gosselin talked about this subject in her article "Boy Crazy" found on boundless.org. She talked about how important it is for girls to develop friendships with guys.

"I've come to believe that healthy opposite-sex friendships are important and beneficial. Through these friendships, you receive a different perspective, gain practice in relating to someone of the opposite sex (if you're going to be married to one someday, it's helpful to know what they're like), and may even develop a friendship that grows into more....None of those guys was the one for me, but those friendships paved the way for me to learn how to be myself around the opposite sex."

 Girls have been screwed over in a sense. We have been trained all our lives to believe that if a guy treats you well, he must like you. Makes sense right? If he talks to you, hangs out with you, and treats you with respect, then by golly, hold on to him. He must be the one. But why should a guy only treat you well if he likes you? Can't he treat you with the same amount of respect even if there's no romantic feelings?

I've noticed in my own experience that guys who want to pursue me or have somewhat of an interest in me will treat me well (talk, hang out, compliment, etc). But the guys who don't will very rarely initiate conversation with me, make an effort to hang out or check to see how I'm doing. It's like they go out of their way to make sure I know they have no interest. Even though this hurts me, their intentions may be good. Christian men generally don't want to lead women on, and I respect that. But what are we supposed to think if we only get treated well when we are liked? No wonder women get clingy to men that treat them well. It's because it doesn't happen otherwise! What would happen if women always got the respect and honor they deserved from all men, not just the ones that had feelings for them?

Truth is, it is a man's duty to treat all women with respect. Especially women of God.

"Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades. The woman to be admired and praised is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God. Give her everything she deserves! Festoon her life with praises!" - Proverbs 31:10

Give her everything she deserves. Praise her. Guys, this isn't just for your wives or women-of-interest, it's for every woman of God! Treat her with the respect and love that she deserves from her brothers! Men always say they want a "Proverbs 31 woman" - well start showing the ones that are trying to live that way that you appreciate it. Give us encouragement, pray for us, be there for us. We need men to step up and show us that they care. 

I feel bad for single women because not only do we have no man in our life to love us and give us wisdom, guidance, and encouragement, but our guy friends ignore us so "we don't get the wrong idea". This leaves us feeling worthless, unloved, and not genuinely cared for. That's not what God wants. As Christians, we are all in the same family. 

"Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity." 1 Timothy 5:1-2

Our number one calling in life is to love one another. That includes everyone, not just your spouse. It is possible to show love to your fellow Christian brothers and sisters without romantic feelings being involved. This is biblical. 

"Now about your love for one another we do not need to write to you, for you yourselves have been taught by God to love each other." - 1 Thessalonians 4:9

"Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing." - 1 Thessalonians 5:11

"If anyone says "I love God" and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen". 1 John 4:20

"The second is this: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself". There is no commandment greater than this" - Mark 12:31

Men, if we are all in the same family and if we are called to love each other, then lets treat each other in such a manner. Think about your family for a second. Families tell each other they love each other. They pray for each other. They hang out, go out to eat, go shopping, and call each other. They make sure everything is okay. They comfort each other when they are sad. They help in whatever way possible when they are in need. 

Why do you do this? Because you love your family and that's what families do. 

Christian men - I am your sister. I am God's daughter. Treat me as such. 

God Hates Religion

Here's a thought that you probably will find rather shocking. It's a pretty blunt truth but hey, let's say it like it is:

God hates religion.


A lot. He abhors it. Religion is not who God is. He did not come to Earth and say "Hey, you can come live with me in Heaven and be saved as long as you are morally upright and follow each religious law". He did not say "You will be saved by doing this, that and the other thing". Being a "Christian" isn't going to save you. You don't live your life according to a set of rules because being "religious" will not save you. God is not a "religion" and boy, do some people have that screwed up in their heads.

I've been studying the book of Mark the past couple of weeks and almost every passage refers to the religious pharisees trying to catch Jesus doing something wrong. They always disapproved of everything Jesus did. The religious people hated him. Let us also not forget that it was religious people who killed him.


(Jesus heals a paralyzed man) "Now some of the teachers of the law were sitting there, thinking to themselves, 'Why does this fellow talk like that? He's blaspheming! Who can forgive sins but God alone?' Immediately Jesus knew in his spirit that this was what they were thinking in their hearts, and he said to them 'why are thinking these things? Which is easier: to say to this paralyzed man 'your sins are forgiven,' or to say 'Get up, take your mat and walk'? But I want you to know that the Son of Man has authority on Earth to forgive sins".  - Mark 2:6-10

(Jesus eats with sinners) "While Jesus was having dinner at Levi's house, many tax collectors and sinners were eating with him and his disciples, for there were many who followed him. When the teachers of the law who were Pharisees saw him eating with the sinners and tax collectors, they asked his disciples: 'why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?' On hearing this, Jesus said to them, 'it is not the healthy who need a doctor but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but the sinners". - Mark 2:15-17

(Jesus is Lord of the Sabbath) "One Sabbath Jesus was going through the grainfields, and as his disciples walked along, they began to pick some heads of grain. The Pharisees said to him "Look, why are they doing what is unlawful on the Sabbath?' He answered, 'Have you never read what David did when he and his companions were hungry and in need?...They entered the house of God and ate the consecrated bread, which is lawful only for priests to eat. And he also gave some to his companions... The Sabbath was made for people, not people for the Sabbath. So the Son of Man is Lord even of the Sabbath". - Mark 2:23-28

(Jesus heals on the Sabbath) "Another time Jesus went into the synagogue, and a man with a shriveled hand was there. Some of them were looking for a reason to accuse Jesus, so they watched him closely to see if he would heal him on the Sabbath. Jesus said to the man with the shriveled hand, 'stand up in front of everyone'. Then Jesus asked them, 'which is lawful on the Sabbath?: to do good or to do evil, to save life or to kill?' But they remained silent. He looked at them in anger and deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts, said to the man 'stretch out your hand'. He stretched it out and his hand was completely restored. Then the Pharisees went out and began to plot with the Herodians how they might kill Jesus". - Mark 3:1-6 


The so-called religious people lived by a set of rules and not by a faith in Jesus. Jesus called them hypocrites, saying "you have let go of the commands of God and are holding on to human traditions... You have a fine way of setting aside the commands of God in order to observe your own traditions!" (Mark 7:8-9).

You guys, here's the truth. Legalism, moralism, laws taught by religious leaders telling us how to live...that is not a relationship with God. That is not who God was nor what he's about. He doesn't care if you live your whole life trying to be a "good person". He doesn't care if your Catholic, Jewish, Atheist, Christian, or whatever. Those are all just titles and mean nothing. The one thing he cares about, the one and only thing that matters to him, is that you believe in him.

"For it is by grace you have been saved through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is a gift from God". - Ephesians 2:8

I know so many people who are genuinely great people. They are sweet, helpful, loving, and care about other people. But truth is, unless they believe in God, they are not going to Heaven. But that doesn't mean they need to be a pompous religious know-it-all either. Reading your Bible, going to church, praying everyday, and serving the poor aren't getting you to Heaven either. These are all things that will happen naturally as you draw closer to God. Earnestly pursuing Christ will lead to a desire to actually want to do those things. When you fall in love with who God is, it's no longer a chore, but something you're excited to do.

Religion. God knows I hate it. I hate what it's done to America. I hate what it's done to non-believers. I especially hate what it's done to believers. Christians can get so down on themselves if they don't live up to religious standards. Sometimes the amount of moralistic living is enough to drive even the strongest Christians away from the faith. Satan lies to us and says we need to live a certain way or God won't love us. Satan tries to make us feel guilty if we don't go to church or read our Bible that day. He tries to make us think maybe we were never truly Christians at all.

You know what? I'm not a Christian. That's just a title that complicates everything. This world has a skewed view of what Christianity is. I'm not going to identify with that anymore. I don't have a religion. I have a relationship. I believe God sent his Son. I believe he lived a perfect sinless life. I believed he died on the cross. I believe he did all of that to save me from my disgusting sinful life and to be with me forever in Heaven.

That's it.

That's all I need. Because of this belief, I know I'm going to Heaven and that's enough for me to live for. I don't need a religion to tell me that. My prayer is that all of you will stop pursuing a useless religion and start pursuing Christ. It'll change your life.

Nothing Can Seperate

This blog is going to be short and sweet.
Usually I'd put this off until morning, but I felt real strongly that I should post this tonight.

Truth is, God cannot love you any more or any less than he does right now.

That's it.

You cannot win His love. You can't do all the right things, be morally upright, or trick your way into getting God's love. Just like a dad, holding his newborn son for the first time, doesn't say "I'll only love my boy if he (fill in the blank)". Our Father in Heaven doesn't love us based off of what we do. He already loves us with an unconditional love.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" - Romans 8:38-39

He loved us first before we even knew Him. He made us and chose to love us, even though we were sinners. He wants to be with us and he is constantly in a desperate pursuit to win us over. 

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins" - 1 John 4:10

You cannot lose His love, either. You may feel like you've done too much wrong in your life, that God couldn't possibly love you, or that He has given up on you. He's always right there and doesn't disown you. Just like a dad doesn't disown his son if he misbehaves. He still loves his son and has always been right there. It's the sin, or the junk in your life, that's keeping you from having a full on, mind blowing, amazing relationship. The love is still there, but the it's the sin that makes us feel isolated. He may feel distant, but He never is.

“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you" - Hebrews 13:5


Stop trying to "win" God's favor. Stop thinking he doesn't love you. These are all lies. God and His love are the "same yesterday, today and forever" - Hebrews 13:8

Love is Time

When you love someone, you give them your time. 

It's so true right? 

I wrote an article for Her Campus UNI entitled "You Know He Likes You If..." and it was basically an article with opinions from various college women about how they can tell if a guy is in to them. As I looked through their answers, a common theme ran throughout:

When you love someone, you give them your time.

It's the pursuit. It's the commitment. It's the sacrifice. What it all comes down to is the giving of yourself and your time. That's how you know love and show love. 

Writing that article made me realize how ridiculous us girls can be at times. We spend wasted time on boys that we hope will talk to us and eventually date us, even if deep down we know they have no intention to. I can't tell you how many times I've heard both guys and girls say 'if he wants to pursue you, he will'. Simple. Hard to swallow. Truth. 

Now, I've come around to accepting this truth over the past couple months. I've had to swallow my pride and stop chasing, hoping, and wishing. I have learned to be patient and to stop complicating things so much. It's simple. If he wants to pursue me, he will. And how will I know he's pursuing me? Through the amount of time he dedicates to me. This can be seen by the amount of texting each day, taking the time out of his day to hang out with me, or take the time to have actual conversations that goes beyond small talk. He might even do something with me that he doesn't care to do nor has time to do, but does it anyways. These are all pretty strong indicators of a man pursuing you. He does it with his time. 

The more I thought about this concept, the more I thought about my pursuit of Christ. I say I love God, but if one of the strongest ways of showing your love for someone is by sacrificing your time, then I really need to reevaluate myself in that category. How much time do I spend hanging out with God, serving others for him, or digging into the Word? How much time do I give myself each day to talk to him? Thirty minutes before I go to bed? If this was my relationship with a man, I'd be the worst girlfriend in the history of the world. 

Truth is, our relationship with God is exactly that: a relationship! One that involved communication, quality time, serving one another, and genuinely loving each other. When you love someone, you would never fathom only speaking to that person once when you wake up before work, then once before your go to bed just to tell him about all your problems that need to be fixed. You would show your love for that person by giving him your time. 

When you love someone, you give them your time. How much time are you giving God? 

Amazing Because It Is

This song "Amazing Because It Is" by The Almost has been in my head for about two to three weeks now and I am not upset about it one bit. It's been speaking some huge truth into my life. (Shout out to a friend of mine for introducing me to this song - you know who you are). 

I'm the type of person who lets fear drive. I'm the type of guy who let's it drive".

This is me. Anyone who knows me knows that my life is fueled by fear. This fears range from extremely irrational to very understandable but either way, I have a fearful heart and it has been taking a toll on me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I was listening to a Mark Driscoll sermon about "Jesus and Anxiety" (look it up on iTunes) and he was naming off some of the physical signs of an anxious person: 

- unusual mood swings, anger  and depression

- adrenaline rushes that make it hard for your body to calm down

- exhaustion

- nervous twitch

- disassociated or checked out 

- paranoia and suspicion (not so much a physical sign)

- weight change

- moments of panic

- feeling overwhelmed

- fantasying about dying (yes, even Christians do this)

- insomnia

- self medicating with alcohol or drugs (which obviously lead to health problems)

- irritability

- wreckless driving

- IBS, headaches, heart trouble, chest pain, chronic illnesses, mental victim, stomach troubles

- shopping sprees (also not physical, but I thought it was ironic..since I am a frequent shopper and now have a fashion blog - whoops!)

Why am I mentioning all these signs? Because almost all of these relate to me and this is how I know I let fear drive. My prayer is that none of you have to deal with fear and anxiety, but let's be honest, it's prevalent in our society. On a side note, just know that when I speak to you about ways to overcome fear and why we can't let it ruin our lives, I speak to you out of brokenness and humbleness because it's the exact issue I deal with on a daily basis.  

Now I'm going to throw you for a loop.

Today's blog isn't about fear and anxiety. That's a topic for another day. Today's blog is actually about God's grace and how simply amazing He is!

Yes, it's true, I am a fearful, anxious worry-wart. I am broken and a quite frankly a mess. Contrary to popular belief, being a Christian doesn't make life "easier". It's actually harder. If you're truly striving to live a life worthy of the gospel, then that means you don't have the freedom to live a life for yourself - a selfish, independent life. You can't give in to your sinful flesh and indulge in certain pleasures. We are tempted to return back to our old selves. We have seen the light, know what it means to walk in the truth, and now we have to abide by these rules set by God. And it is hard. At least I was naive to all my problems before God showed up. I didn't realize how corrupt my mind was or how many times a day I sin. Now I am blatantly aware. And it sucks. 

But realizing how much I suck has been the best thing for me. 

Cuz I'm addicted. I'm needy. I'm lost. Without you. I need you. I need you. 

Oh God, I need you. I need you so bad. I am a ridiculous wreck without you. With you breaking me of my idols and revealing sin in my life, I have become more dependent of you. I am realizing that I cannot do this life alone. There's something more that I'm living for and it can't be for myself.  

We all deal with the same stuff.

"No temptation has overcome you that isn't common to man. And God is faithful, he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it" - 1 Corinthians 10:13

We are all tempted. Even though I struggle, I at least know that God will never leave me. I can always, always count on him. Even if I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. He is my crutch. My question remains: what do people who don't know God do? Who do they run to? Who can they count on? truth is, we cannot live this life on our own, for ourselves, apart from God. We all suck and are in need of a savior. 

Amazing Grace. How sweet the sound. That saved a wretch like me. I once was lost. But now I'm found. Was blind but now I see. 

God, thank you for loving me even though I suck. God, thank you for blessing me far beyond what I deserve. I am a horrible disgrace to your name and yet you stick by me and love me anyways. I mess up, I knowingly do wrong, I don't love others the way I should, and yet you never let me go. You are the peace in the storm, the faithful provider; my strength and protector. I am so beyond blessed to have such an amazing Dad in my life! Undeserving of such amazing grace. Thank you God. 

 

What I Learned at a Wedding

I attended a beautiful wedding this weekend. I was especially excited about this one because I got to do the make up for the bride (which is super nerve-racking by the way) and for a few of the bridesmaids. It was so fun to be in that atmosphere and celebrate the last moments of the bride's single life with her. Plus, it was the first wedding that a majority of my friends were attending so that made it all the more perfect. The lighting, the flowers, the dresses; they all combined to create an elegant and romantic ambiance in the room. You could feel the love between the bride and groom oozing out onto the friends and family that were there. They were perfect. It all was perfect. But yet, none of this was my favorite part of the day. In fact, it was not the room, or the love, or the sheer fact that I love weddings more than chocolate-caramel ice cream - which I am border-line obsessed with. The best part was seeing Christ as the center of the whole ceremony. They did something that I have never seen done. Right smack dab in the middle of the ceremony, about the time when vows are to be said, they stopped to worship God. We sang three worship songs that day. It was absolutely beautiful to see where their hearts were on their biggest day as a couple. They love each other, but they're love for each other is and always will be completely centered around God. One of the verses in particular struck a cord with me that day. 

"Oh, I'm running to your arms....I'm running to your arms....the riches of your love....will always be enough....nothing compares to your embrace.....light of the world....Forever Reign."

Truth is, this is our love song to God. Oh God, I'm running to YOUR arms, the riches of YOUR love is more than enough, NOTHING compares to YOUR embrace. How blessed we are that God created man and woman to be together so that we have someone to run to; to embrace. But guys, nothing compares to running to God. We put so much emphasis on finding our perfect match because we want to feel loved, like we belong to someone. We want to feel his arm around us and to feel comfort in his touch. We want to run to him to help us, guide us, lead us through this crazy life. But if he's the only one we're running to...we will never truly be satisfied. We won't have that security and peace that only comes from God. We will be restless wanderers, trying to fill that void in our hearts, the rest of our lives. 

"but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life." - John 4:14

Marriage is such a beautiful, complex, God-given gift. But we can't forget what it's all about. It's not just you and your husband. It's you and your husband becoming one in Christ. It was God's design to serve as an example of Christ and his love for the church. Marriage isn't about ourselves, it's about God and what we can do as a couple for his kingdom. Our marriages are to imitate Christ and the kind of person he was on Earth. Sacrificial. Loving. Serving. Genuine. Generous. We cannot lose sight of this truth.

"The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man." For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." - Genesis 2:18-24

"Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself." - Ephesians 5:22-23


This wedding put my heart in check. I'm going to love being married someday and having the love of my life standing by me until the end. It's going to be great standing up at that alter, speaking my vows to the one my I love, honor and respect the most. But our earthly love is nothing compared to God's love. Nothing, not even the most perfect husband in the world, should come before our first, true love - God.

I'm running to His arms, I'm running to His arms. The riches of His love will always be enough....

The Hypocritical Christian

Lecrae is boss. His songs always speak right to me. This song is called "Breathin to Death" and the lyrics are shown below. Take a read through then I'll tell you why it depicts me so perfectly.

"It's like I'm tired of life/Lord i'm wrong why I cant get right/ And when it's dark why I cant get light/ eh why it cant be light it's so heavy why my sin won't let me see the end/ come get me/ please come get me/ my thoughts my mind/ my ways all evil/ I'm sposed to be your people I'm sposed to see your sequal/ I said I'll never leave you/ But I'm so left i aint right Lord I'm sleeping with death/man, I am cheating with death/ am I deaf Its like I don't hear you/ I say that I'm a Christian but it's like I don't fear you/ I'm on a selfish island and i am no where near you/ God i really need you even tho I don't appear to/ I'm drinking out a broken cistern that could never hold water and I'm gonna get burned/ tho I try i never satisfy or quench this yearn/ I hear you calling but it's like a fight for me to just turn/Lord I deserve to burn

Help me Lord before there's no time left
I ain't living I'm just breathing to death (echo)
Your ways are perfect and they lead me to rest
Mine are evil and they lead me to death

I'm fellin' skitzophrenic / maybe I ain't saved cause i gotta get high just to block out all the pain/ seen death, seen hurt seen a whole lotta thangs/ instead of running from it I'm running away from change/ it's like I'm outside in the ice cold weather/the rains coming down and I keep getting wetter/ I know I'm getting sick and I could die any second/ but still I refuse to let your truths make me better/ I'd rather eat flies and maggots instead of bread/ and its killing me slow but i cant get it through my head/ you were stabbed you were murdered/ and for me is why you bled/ but I spit on your bloody face as If i never cared/ And Lord how dare i compare my pain/ your father turned his back/ and you were left to hang/ I don't know why you did it that I cant explain/ how can you love this sinner whose desecrated your name/Lord I deserve the flames\


I know I tell lies/ I know I do dirt/ Apart from you I'm nothing but you can give me worth/ I don't know if I know you/ But still I know I should/ I know the days are evil and only you are Good/ I've come to this conclusion I would like to change cause all the worlds money and fame cannot sustain/ I know that i should turn but thats the hardest thang/ cause do I really feel that havin' Jesus is my gain/ the world is so tempting/ Satan is a beast/ he hypnotizes my eyes to say the least/ But Jesus be my treasure to know you is live/ and I am here dying trying everything there is/ All I need here is you/ help me turn away from sin/ Lord give me grace to turn away and the fear not to give in/ I know that I'm not perfect but if I could rest in Him/ I know i don't deserve it but still I'll take your hand/Lord let me take your hand"

Yeah, hard to swallow stuff right there. 

My interpretation of the song is this: This is a guy who claims to love God and says he's a Christian. Yet he's trapped by his sin. He knows he doesn't have to be and he could be set free, but he feels likes he can't. He doubts his salvation and gives in to the lies of the world. He might have been saved, but he doesn't feel like it. he knows the answers, but he can't seem to get it soaked in. He is wrestling with the temptations of sin and the malicious lies of Satan. He knows he deserves death. All he wants is to be DONE and turn to the calling of God. He's twisted, pulled, and tossed around by the world and he just wants to be free from it all...

yet he can't. 

You guys, this is the hypocritical Christian. I'm the hypocritical Christian. 

Satan has done a heck of a job trying to distort my thoughts and get me to behave as the world behaves; think like the world thinks. I'm not afraid to admit my faults. I fail just like every other person out there. I know I love God but the world is all too appealing. A friend once asked me, "who do you fear? God or man?" and my answer, as shocking as it is coming from a Christian, was man. I care more about what all of you think about me than what God thinks. My flesh desires to go against God's commands. And I feel powerless to it.

"For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it" - Romans 7:19-20

I thought that my internal struggle was something that only I could see. It was an issue between me and God and that was it. It wasn't until recently that I realized it wasn't. 

I was having dinner with a friend of mine on campus the other night; a friend that I rarely get to see. We were having a good time and enjoyed catching up with each other. We got of the topic of why she didn't attend our Thursday night worship service on campus. She had a range of reasons why it wasn't for her, but the one that stood out to me the most was when she said something along the lines of "It just doesn't make sense to me to see these guys worshiping on Thursdays then I see them out at the bars that weekend. That's one of the reasons why I don't like going." Her comment made me feel really convicted because I have been that person.

I am that person.

I will act like a Christian at church, but then I'll go out and pretend like I've never had an encounter with God. I admit it, I'm prone to drinking and it's something I've been working on. To my friends, to the people who know me, I look like a real hypocrite. I feel bad for them because they either see two different sides of me, or I'm hiding a side from them. Either way, it's disgusting and wrong.  And not just to them, but to the non believing world to. If they see me at church, then see me at the bars, it looks bad. God save me from this tangled mess, because I am a failure to your name. 

I love God. But I also love vanity. I love money. I love fame. I care about my reputation, I let fear control my decisions and let anxiety guide my steps. I want the love of a man more than the love of God. I put God in the back burner while I try to manage my stressful life alone. I work my tail off for things that don't matter, but when it comes to someone's eternity, it seems I could care less. I love having fun, no matter what the cost and I push back the holy spirit so I can live my way. As if I really thought this was my life.  

I call out to God, expecting him to hear me, but how dare I even try? I'm such a sinful human being. I deserve the flames. I don't deserve the blessings he gives or the grace he shows. I don't deserve his favor on my life! How dare represent God like that? How dare I act so disrespectful to God to get the approval of others? How dare i claim to be a christian then continue to live as the world lives. 

"For once you were in darkness, but now you are in light. Live as children in the light" - Ephesians 5:8 

Live as children in the light. 

How dare I walk in darkness when I have been saved. When God brought me out of that darkness and into the light. Into a life free from guilt, shame, fear, anxiety, heartbreak, anger, lust, greed, pride and debauchery. 

Forgive me, my friends, for I have been a hypocritical Christian. But here's the truth in all of this:  God is working in my life and in my circumstances. He is changing my heart, sanctifying me, teaching me to surrender, showing me my idols, and convicting me of the wrong I've done. He wants to see me in Heaven with him someday. 

"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understands slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance" - 2 Peter 3:9

God loves me. Satan hates me. It's a constant battle for my heart. God has already won. No matter what I'm going through, I will come out of this strong.